Unicorns Aren't Just A Fantasy

When I was a little girl I was fascinated with Unicorns.  I collected Unicorns of all shapes and sizes in any kind of medium (clay, pewter, china, etc.).  My favorite was a glass Unicorn that was given to me by a person who didn't even realize how much I loved Unicorns.  About a year ago I felt like it was time to simplify my life and I cut my collection down to a precious few.

While I was cleaning our bedroom, I accidentally knocked over the case with my collection in it and all but one broke.  I knew then that it was time to stop living in the fantasy and threw those broken pieces in the trash.  At the time I didn't know that I was a real Unicorn myself.

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After almost three years and three miscarriages I've been diagnosed not only with abnormal Natural Killer Cells but with a Unicornuate Uterus, which is a congenital abnormality of the uterus.  There is a treatment for the Killer Cells, but not for the Unicornuate Uterus.

During fetal development (around 10 weeks) the Mullerian tubes (there are two) fuse together to create the uterus and they also form the fallopian tubes.  In my case one side did not develop creating a single horned uterus....hence the "Unicorn".   Basically, the right side formed and the left side didn't.  I have both of my ovaries, but I am missing the left fallopian tube and the left side of my uterus.  My uterus is only half the size of a normal uterus (which makes it hard to carry a child to term).  Also, because the kidneys are forming at the same time, many women who have this are missing one of their kidneys or they may even have deformed kidneys.  This is not the case for me.  I had an FL IVP done and I have both of my kidneys, which is good news.

Many women do become pregnant with this condition and do not even know they have this until they are faced with a breech birth.  Still others, have a hard time becoming pregnant, or have a hard time holding a pregnancy which sometimes results in multiple and mid term miscarriages.  For many women it is not until they seek infertility treatment that they end up finding out the truth.

There are so many risks associated with this condition.....I could have another miscarriage, I could go into preterm labor, I could be put on some form of bed rest for the duration, I could carry and give birth to a stillborn mid term, I could carry and my uterus could rupture......you get the picture.  Then again, the possibility exists that I could get that one sticky bean that will endure for the full term with little or no complications.  We just don't know......

Dr.P has recommended that we find a "gestational carrier". This means that we will be able to have our biological child since the eggs will come from me and the sperm will come from DH. It just means that I won't be the one to carry our child.  I will never know how it will feel to have a life kicking inside me.

I'm not sure yet where this journey will lead us as we have yet to make the big decisions.  This will be so much more expensive than just a 'simple' IVF procedure.  And there are so many laws that go along with this.  It is just so daunting!

Right now I'm doing my best to take each day as it comes.  I've joined an online support group for people with my condition and I'm hoping that there may be some helpful answers there.  I'm praying that the right answer will be just around the corner.  We've both been through so much!

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I started writing this post almost two weeks ago.  Since then I've "talked" to women who have UU like me via yahoo groups.  I've talked with my regular OBGYN in order to seek out his opinion.  I also took the time to email Dr. R who heads up the clinic where I'm currently seeking treatment.  I emailed her because I just couldn't imagine myself giving up the chance to carry my own child....especially when I have received hope from other UU women.  Her response to my email (less than 5 hours later) was to get us set up for a meeting less than 48 hours later (which she did not charge us for).  During the meeting she gave credence to our sliver of hope.  She insisted on sending us to a "pre-conception counseling appointment" with a local high risk OBGYN group.  She also encouraged us to seek the opinion of another doctor with another local group so that we can make a well informed decision as to what is right for us. 

We now have appointments set up (for the middle of the month) to meet with the high risk group and with the other doctor for the second opinion.  On one hand I'm trying to keep faith involved and stay positive.  On the other hand, I am trying to make sure that I'm not becoming overly optimistic because another let down might devastate me.

I don't know what this means for us, but I do know that whatever it does mean, it is worth the fight.



P.S.  To my friends who are finding out about this from this post instead of hearing it directly from me, please accept my sincerest apologies.  It is hard enough live with this on a daily basis.  To rehash this over and over again each time I tell another person makes it even more agonizing.  Right now this post is the best I can do.  I'm sure you all understand.....

Answers Bring More Questions

Please be patient with me as I cope....life has really been throwing me for a loop and the latest was a very low blow.  While I've gotten answers there are more questions than ever.

Because of this, I have been and will be away from my blog for a short time.  Even though I won't be posting I will still be following all of you because your posts inspire me (more than you know) and keep me going. 

Stay inspired!

Bed Rest

Over the weekend I was put on bed rest.  So, what is a girl to do while on bed rest?  This of course!

Birds of a Feather Saturday SAL
Did I catch up to you Maggee?

Why was I on bed rest?  Because on Friday I unexpectedly found out that I was pregnant.  You should have seen all of the people in my room.  No one could believe it!  Especially since I had just experienced the time of the month where I become "an unpleasant person to live with" (if you know what I mean).  Unfortunately my progesterone level was extremely low and even though they tried to boost it with meds, it was too little too late.  Yesterday the doctor's office confirmed that I ended up losing Baby #3 over the weekend.

I'm fine.....we are fine......our faith hasn't waiverd with this loss.  In fact I think it is stronger than it has been in a long time.

Thankfully this new doctor and his staff are the most wonderful, caring people.  They will be able to get me back on track and figure out what is going on so that they can help me carry a healthy little one to term.

In the meantime, I was thinking that maybe I would skip the alphabet on this one and save the space to make it either an inspirational sampler or save it for a baby sampler.  What do you think?

Stitching with angels,

Faith

Lately, for me, faith has been a hard thing to have.  So many things have happened in the last couple of weeks that have really set me on an uneven keel. 

First my hysteroscopy was denied by the insurance company, so that never happened.  Next, we lost my (step) grandfather on Memorial Day.  (While he wasn't my biological grandfather, he is my "Grandaddy" just the same.  Thankfully he lived a full and relatively healthy 95 years.  For the last week of May we celebrated his life.  I was able to see my (step) sisters and spend some quality time with them.)  Then, when I got back to work the first week of June, I found out that there were not one, but two more coworkers are pregnant.  One is now 7 weeks and the other is 19 weeks along.  This made me the only one who isn't pregnant.

All this stress has really gotten to me and I ended up having a horrible breakdown with a full on hysterical crying session while at work. After I came out of it, I knew that I needed a reminder of who is in charge and that there is a reason for everything.  Determined, I set my needle to work and in a few days time I ended up with this reminder........

Faith by Lizzie*Kate
32 ct Silkweaver Solo

AC Moore is having a 60% + an additional 10% off sale right now, so I will be heading over on Saturday to try and find a frame for this.  I'm planning on hanging it in my office right next to my computer screen.  This way I have a constant reminder to keep the Faith.

Since I finished the piece, things have begun to look up.  I went to another doctor for a second opinion as to why I'm not holding a pregnancy.  Based on our initial conversation, he thinks that he can have me pregnant by my birthday (August)!  I'm now in the process of waiting for a huge battery of labs to be completed.  (They took 14 vials of blood!)  I will be heading back to his office on Monday for some further testing including a saline sonogram.  This time I will be going through with the testing even if the insurance company denies it.  Getting my faith back has shown me that I don't have to be worried about all the things that have been on my mind up until this point.  I'm just praying for his guidance through this tough journey.

I think he has given me the beginnings of an answer this week.....I can look at my pregnant coworkers and I don't break down into tears.  For this I am thankful.......

Two Week Wait

These last two weeks have been very rough.  I've tried to keep myself busy and keep my mind off of anything remotely related to babies. 

I've spent lots of time with my needle over the last 14 days.  Much of the time it was to deal with frogs.  It seems that since my mind is not fully there the frogs decided to take advantage of me.  Even with the frogs, I did mange to finish an old wip.  I was trying to figure out when I started it and I have a feeling it was sometime back in 2006.  I'll tell you all about the frogs and the piece next time.

After my finish I began working on Mouline Rouge again.  She's a little bit further than she was, but nowhere near close.  I tried to plug along but I was struggling with my lack of mojo.  Instead I went digging through some of my kitted projects and I came up with "Delivering Wares" by Homespun Elegance.  I've got a good start on it and I think it will go a long way in helping me to get my mojo back on track.  I don't have enough for a picture though...maybe next time.

My personal mojo has been suffering as well.  I found out on Saturday that the IUI didn't take.  Then on Sunday I found out that my youngest sister is 8 weeks pregnant.  Needless to say I didn't have a great Mother's Day.  Then today my co-worker brought in her week old twin boys.  I couldn't even bring myself to hold one of them as I knew if I did I would end up a hot mess.

I did place a call to the doctor's office after the IUI failure and now I'm scheduled for a hysteroscopy.  Basically the doctor is going to look inside and see if there is anything that could possibly be preventing pregnancy, like scar tissue from previous D&C's.  So, I'm out of the running for TQfM again this month.  I'm scheduled for the outpatient procedure early next month. Hopefully everything will be good so that we can start trying again in mid June.

Unitl then I will just have to be patient.  I guess I could practice that patience with those darn frogs.

Happy Stitching!

The Next Step

**WARNING: This post is very personal in nature and there may be descriptions that are a tad unnerving to some.**

It has been three and a half months since DH and I had our first visit with the Fertility Specialist.  Throughout tax season I have been on a regimen of Femara, Ovidrel and Progesterone along with Timed Intercourse.  I have had three ultrasounds and many appointments with the acupuncturist. 

When the first two cycles ended with a normal period I swore to relax as much as possible during the third cycle.  I cut my hours from 60+ to just above 55 hours per week.  I didn't go to the acupuncturist as going there would stress me out only because of the time it would take and I don't think that worrying about time always helped.  Unfortunately, on the last day of tax season I found out that we had failed to conceive yet again.

After talking with the doctor we decided to try one more cycle of drugs, but this time we are adding something new.  Today I will be going in for an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).  It isn't a complicated procedure and it is nowhere near as expensive as IVF (In Vitro Fertilization).

Prior to the IUI, DH will go in and give a "sample".  That "sample" will be washed so that the semen will be separated from the seminal fluid.  The semen will then be placed in a catheter and DH's little men/women will be inserted past the cervical wall directly into my uterus.  The procedure shouldn't take long and it should involve little to no discomfort.  I will be required to rest for 10 - 15 minutes after the IUI, but I can resume normal activities afterwards.  I've decided to take the day off from work.....I don't want any kind of stress to affect me today!

In a couple of days I will begin taking the progesterone again while I deal with the two week wait.  During the next two weeks I plan on putting needle to thread to help me cope.

Thank you so much for allowing me to share this with you all.  This is a very tough subject for many and we need all the support we can get.

Happy Stitches!

Crunch Time

I know it has been awhile since I've been around.  In fact I just checked my reader and I have over 750 blog posts that I haven't had a chance to read, nor do I know when I will.  What can I say?  It's "crunch time"!  Only 27 more days until the end of tax season!

While the season itself hasn't been very stressful, the hours and the thoughts of babies weigh heavily on me.  Round One of the drugs wasn't successful and I'm pretty sure that Round Two is heading the same way.  Call it "mother's intuition".  I'm beginning to think that trying to make this journey during tax season was a waste of time (and money), but I knew that we had to at least try.  I'm seriously contemplating taking the next cycle month "off" and starting again once tax season is officially over.

My stitching and sewing has been seriously lacking as well.  I did manage to stitch up a quick little piece for an exchange.  However I haven't been able to get it to the finishing stage.  Things went awry over the past weekend and my sewing machine was the furthest thing from my mind.  So, I'm planning on a speed date with my machine sometime this Sunday.

Well, I really must head off.  Lots of tax returns calling my name!

Happy Stitches!

Work, Work, Work

Thank you for all the kind comments about my model stitching.  I love model stitching for one of my dearest, sweetest friends and I can't wait until the next time that she asks me.

I wish I could say that I've been stitching over the last few weeks, but work has been terribly intense this year.  I've been working 60+ hours each week which means that I am gone from the house for over 70 hours during the week.  My only day off is Sunday and I spend most of the day catching up on sleep, laundry and various errands with Hubby.  Thank goodness there are only six more weeks to tax season!

I'm still working on the baby front as well.  The first round of fertility drugs didn't work.  I was extremely upset that it didn't work but in the back of my mind I knew it was a big possibility.  After all, when I went on the fertility medication with my regular OBGYN, it wasn't until I had an "off month" that I became pregnant.

We have already started Round 2 and I will again put my faith not only in God, but in modern medicine as well.  I'll also head back to the acupuncturist this week.  Honestly, I'm quite thankful for all of this work.  It allows for me to have less time to obsess on the idea of my future child.

Ohhh.....I hear movement upstairs.....looks like Hubby and the Pup are up.  It's family time!

Happy Stitches!

Pins and Needles

This has been a good week.  I've started and finished my five days of the Femara.  I screwed up one night and forgot to take it, but I woke up at 4am and remembered so I took it then.  Hopefully I didn't mess things up too bad by not taking it before bedtime! 

I also picked up my next medication from the pharmacy today.  It is called Ovidrel and it will be used to kick start egg release.  I'm not fond of needles and this injection will have to be done in my abdomen.  (Eww!  Ouch!)  I see Dr. B on Tuesday so hopefully she will be able to give it to me then.  Otherwise, the nurse will teach Hubby how to give it to me.  I have to admit, he is taking immense pleasure in this.  In fact, I think he is way too excited to have the opportunity to give me the shot.....maybe I should be worried!  LOL!

Since we are talking about needles, I had my first visit with the Acupuncturist on Friday.  I'm familiar with the ideas of Eastern Medicine and I'm not one to shy away from it.  I've seen it done and I believe that it can work.  My acupuncturist has a Doctorate and has studied not only in the US, but in China as well.  I'll call her Dr. A.  She was a very nice lady and we had a nice 45 minute chat for the initial diagnosis.  She said that I have "Kidney Qi Deficiency" and some minor "Liver Qi Stagnation".  Basically I lack the energy I need and I'm over stressed.  That just about defines 90% of us, doesn't it? 

After our "chat" (where I told her more than you would ever want to know about my inner workings.....would you believe she asked about bowel movements?), she took me into a treatment room and I had a half hour session.  She put a needle in the crown of my head and another in my forehead.  I also had them in my ears, my wrists, my abdomen, my legs and in my feet.  I was unnerved at first by the sensation, but they didn't hurt like I thought they might.  She then turned off the light and put on relaxing music for a half hour.

I don't know how much it may have helped, but I did feel like I had more energy for the rest of the day.  I go back in about ten days.

In the midst of all this I've been putting lots of crazy hours in at work.  This week I managed to get in 54 hours and the week before I had 47 hours.  Still, I've managed to put needle and thread to fabric a couple of nights this week.  Not much progress from last weekend, but every little bit helps.

The Counting House by Little House Needleworks

I'm off to try and get some needle time in while watching the Super Bowl.  As a Dallas fan I find it hard to say this, but I'm going to say it anyway.........GO GIANTS!!

Have a great week!

Happy Stitching!
 

Eggs Anyone? Or Maybe Sheep?

I think I missed the weekend.  I just don't know where it went!

Saturday started off with a very early alarm clock.....6am to be exact.  I got up and got ready for my very busy day.  First I made a trip to Starbucks for my "Starbucks Saturday". (I know that Saturdays during tax season involve long days at the office, so I treat myself to an expensive amazing cup of coffee.)  After getting my Vanilla Latte to go, I headed over to the pharmacy to drop off my prescription for the Femara.  Then I headed to the outpatient lab for the bloodwork that Dr. B ordered.  Can you believe that after all that running around I made it to work before 8:30am??  I ended up spending the next nine and a half hours in the comfort of my office chair.

On the way home I headed back to the pharmacy.  The perscription I thought would be $100.....well, turns out it was my lucky day.  It was a whole $4!  Of course, I already know that I will not be this lucky with the next medicine I need.  Insurance won't cover it.  So far, the cheapest I have been able to find it is for $100.  Hopefully Dr. B will have some other sources for me tomorrow.

Speaking of Dr. B, her nurse called me with the results of my bloodwork today.  The nurse said that everything looked great.  The most important number was for FSH.  They want to see 7 and under.  Mine was 4.  Basically it means that I have good eggs!  You don't know how glad I am to know this! I was beginning to think that I may have to go in search for a chicken with some good eggs. 

When I told my MIL the part about the chicken she said "This grandma is delighted to know she won't get a mouthful of feathers every time she kisses the baby."  Too funny!

Since we are on the subject of farm type animals I thought I would show you my progress on "The Counting House":

Up until this week, I was working on it for about fifteen minutes every morning.  This week I've changed up my morning routine and I no longer have time for stitching.....or a cup of coffee for that matter.  I've decided that it is more important for me to get to work earlier and come home earlier.  Plus, with all of the appointments that I will have to go to during the week I want to make sure I can get all of my required hours in without sleeping at my office.  Hopefully I will be able to get a few stitches in at night.

Oh, and my new cell phone arrived today.  A day early!  I guess that means I must be living right!

Happy Stitching!

A Positive Plan of Action

Today stunk!  It was bad from the moment I woke up.  All I wanted to do today was go home, get back in bed and pull the covers up over my head.  But, as bad as it was, I didn't let it show.  I joked and I laughed and I tried to stay on the positive.  I was even positive when I found out that I would have to live with a broken cell phone until a new one will arrive on Tuesday. 

I have a reason to be positive.  On Tuesday I met the most amazing, wonderful doctor.  I'll call her Dr. B.  Dr. B is the specialist who is going to help Hubby and I with TQfM.  We were able to set up a "plan of action" that will hopefully end up with a big fat positive.  I know it may take more than one month, but all the planning, the pain and the money will be worth it no matter what happens. 

Today is Day 1.  Tomorrow I will make a special trip to the outpatient lab to give blood.  Dr. B wants to test for certain hormones and the "age" of my eggs.  Then, on Sunday I will begin popping pills.  But, no Clomid for me this time.  I'm taking Femara.  That's right....Femara.  Yes, I know, they give this drug to post menopausal women with breast cancer.  But, apparently, it is now being used for infertility.  (Isn't modern science amazing?)  I'm hoping it does the job.

This plan also has me venturing out of my comfort zone.  Next Friday I am going for an initial consultation with a licensed acupuncturist who specializes in infertility issues.  Hubby's cousin pushed me over the edge.  She went to see an acupuncturist as part of her fertility plan.  (We are less than a year apart in age and this is a first marriage/first child situation for both of us.)  I've seen acupuncture in action and I believe that it can be of help in many situations.  However, I'm extremely afraid of needles that puncture my skin.  Plus I never even considered acupuncture for my issues.  I've only related it to relieving physical pain.  Again, I'm going to keep positive about this as well.  In fact, I'm actually looking forward to my appointment!

Speaking of needles, it has been hard for me to pick mine up since I finished the project that has yet to be revealed.  Still, I try to get five to ten minutes of stitching in while I drink my coffee in the mornings.  While it has been minimally affective for progress, it has been a wonderful way to keep the stress at bay.  Hopefully I can devote Sunday to finishing and stitching!

Have a great weekend.  Stay positive!!!

Happy Stitching!

More Than A Memory

Earlier this month I decided I needed a little something as a remembrance for my two little angels.  I had heard of something called "Remembrance Jewelry" and I went looking on esty.

I found a wonderful little shop called Bugaboo Jewelry and I had a beautiful necklace designed for me.  I'm so very pleased with the result.

Today is my first appointment with the specialist.  I'm praying for some answers and for help.

Happy Stitches!

Ouch, That Hurt! & Happy Mail

I've decided that in addition to everything else, I'm going to try and keep this blog updated on our journey to becoming parents.  So, to that end, I began what I'm going to call "The Quest for Motherhood" ("TQfM" for short) early yesterday morning.

After everything that happened last week, I booked an appointment with my primary care physician regarding a referral to a local Reproductive/Fertility Institute.  Well, my "talk" with the doctor turned into a physical (which I haven't had in years).  I ended up with a Tetanus shot and I also had to do blood work.  EWWWW!  I hate shots and I hate blood work even more.  Needles scare me!  (Well, those kind anyway...)  Would you believe my arm still hurts from that stupid shot! 

At least I had some good news.  I lost another pound!  Wheeee!

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In stitchy news, I'm so very close to finishing up that model.  Good thing too, because I got some "Happy Mail" at work today......a Priority Envelope from The Attic in Mesa, AZ (my favorite shop of all time)!  It contained the last BBD Loose Feathers as well as some other wonderful BBD books/charts that I've been wanting.  In particular, I'm most enthralled with the book "A Schoolgirl's Work".  You see, there is a wonderful pattern in it that will be my new start.  It is more than appropriate for me right now and I knew the instant I saw it that I had to stitch it.  Honestly, I was ready to leave work "sick" so that I could go home and stitch!  Plus, Hubby just informed me that I have more "Happy Mail" at home.  I wonder what that could be since I haven't ordered anything else.....

I do hope traffic will be kind to me on the way home!

Happy Stitching!