Emotions

This week has been another emotional roller coaster for me.  Good days and bad days are all mixing together.

It really started on Tuesday at lunch.  A hunch that I had last week was confirmed.  I found out that another co-worker is pregnant.  She's in her mid twenties and she has been going to a fertility clinic for PCOS.  How can I not be happy for her?  How can I not feel sad for my husband and myself?  The worst part about it all, this co-worker works under me, so I will have major contact with her for the next three and a half months as tax season rolls on.  (I don't know if I mentioned it earlier, but there is also another co-worker who is pregnant with twins.  I will have to see her, but at least I won't have to work closely with her.)

On Wednesday morning I got the results from the tests that the doctor ran during my D&C.  The reason it took so long is that the lab had to grow the cells.  The result?  46, XY....a genetically perfect baby boy with no chromosonal issues.  All in all I am trying to take comfort in the fact that this is very good news.  Still, there is no explanation as to why his little heart stopped beating.  At this point my family and I just think that his little heart wasn't strong enough and he decided that it was easier to go see God when he did instead of putting us through further pain.

Yesterday, Thursday, seemed to be a good day......I didn't cry at the drop of a hat like the day before.  I started putting my life back in order and I began to make plans that involved a couple of new doctor appointments.  The first was for my primary care physician so that I could get her up to speed.  The second appointment was for a reproductive specialist recommended by my OBGYN.  So, even though I was feeling anxious, I was focused on the future.  It didn't matter that the specialist may cost us more money than we have.  I wasn't even too upset at the possibility that insurance won't cover anything because they could consider this a fertility issue instead of a history of miscarriages.  I knew that my husband and I have the support of our families.....both emotional and monetary (if the need should arise).

I came home from work with a smile on my face and a new attitude about life.  I had a wonderful dinner with my husband (that he cooked!) and then we sat down to enjoy some TV before heading off to bed.  I picked up my model stitching and happily put needle and thread to fabric.  Then the phone rang.  It was Hubby's cousin.....with news I didn't want or need to hear..........

THEY ARE PREGNANT



She's 11 weeks along, so they knew when we saw them over the Christmas holiday.  They told most of the family then, but they kept it a secret from us because of what we had just been through.  Both Hubby and I knew they were acting weird during the holiday and now we know why.  Deep down I am happy for the both of them.  They are both a year younger than I am, so I know how she felt about time ticking away and wanting to add at least one little one the the family.  Still, it really cut like a knife when she told me.  Thankfully I was able to hold back the tears until after I hung up the phone.

Sigh..............

Still I cry as I type this.  But I'm trying to be strong.  My OBGYN is sending me to the best place on the East Coast for reproductive medicine.  In fact, the first IVF baby in the United States was born at this Institute.  I also found out that while my MIL worked in alumni affairs at the medical school she worked closely with the doctor that I will be seeing.  I kind of feel like the puzzle pieces are falling into place and I'm trying to ignore the hiccups of hearing that other people are pregnant.  I'm trying to keep the faith, but sometimes I wonder why God allows me to handle so much!

One day at a time, right? 

I promise.......I'm trying!