Life Must Go On

Before I start, let me just say that I think this is one of the hardest (and longest) posts that I will ever write.  This is real life.  Things happen that you have no control over.  When it gets rough like it has been these last few months, I follow my program and I keep talking to my Higher Power and I keep repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over to myself......."God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Did you know that there is more to this prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr?  The second verse is rarely said, but it conveys so much.....

"Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.  Amen."

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I'm going to let you in on something that is very personal for me (and for my husband).  This is not something that is usually shared with just anyone and most of the time it isn't even shared at all.  Even with loved ones.  I didn't even know anything about this when it happened to me and I've now come to find out that it is very, very common.  This is very hard for me. I'm sure that some of you might not agree with the fact that I am making this private matter so public, but I don't care.  I feel that talking about this is one of the ways that will help me heal.  So, if you don't like it, don't email me to blast me.  I'm not going to waste my time reading or responding to your "hate mail".

I should have known that something was up way back at the beginning of September.  I was restless and I couldn't seem to bring myself to work on any of my current wips at the time. Instead I ended up finishing HAED's Bo Peep and another baby pattern by Bent Creek. (Sept 7th post)  Funny enough, I even commented during that post that I could hear my biological clock ticking.

Then, a few days later (Sept 10th post), I mentioned how I had been having terrible heartburn and nausea that week.  Many things had been going on in my personal life at that time, including a new vehicle purchase and the idea of another payment was giving me anxiety.  So, I just attributed everything to that.  But, after talking things over with my BFF the next day during our weekly stitching time, and the fact that the over the counter heartburn medication was not working as well as I thought it should (even after day four) I began to change my mind about the anxiety being the cause.  On a whim I stopped taking the heartburn medication that day.

On Sunday, September 12th, I set out on a few errands.  Somewhere along my journey I impulsively stopped at the Vitamin Shoppe and decided to pick up some prenatal vitamins.  Then I stopped at the drug store on the way home and agonized over which pregnancy test to bring home.  Once I got home I hid the bag in the bathroom and there it sat until the next morning.

It was still two days before I should have gotten my period, but I woke up early that Monday morning and I dared myself to take that test.  I think that it was the scariest but most exciting test I have ever taken.  I couldn't decide if I wanted to tell Hubby if the result was positive, or if I should just keep my mouth shut and go to the doctor for confirmation before I said anything.  Well, I finally got up the courage and took the test.  Within 30 seconds that test had not only one pink line, but two pink lines!  They popped up so fast on that strip that I couldn't believe my eyes.  I started shaking all over.  I ran upstairs and woke Hubby up out of a sound sleep.  "Wake up!  Read this!" I said to him.  Once he finally realized what he was looking at, he just kind of sat there dumbfounded.  It took awhile to sink in, but then he said with a sparkle in his eye...."You are going to be a Mommy and I'm going to be a Daddy!  You are going to go to the Doctor today, right?  Let me know when, because I'm going with you!  Oh.....I can't wait to tell our parents!"

This went on for sometime and we both still couldn't believe it the next day when the doctor's office confirmed the pregnancy.  WE WERE GOING TO BE PARENTS!  Everything looked good to the Nurse Practitioner and she started me on some different prenatal vitamins than I had picked up at the store.  She wasn't even concerned about the heartburn medicine that I had been taking and she told me if it was that bad that I could continue taking it for another few days.  After everything Hubby and I had been through together in the last year, things were finally going right!  That night we decided to tell our "core group" which consisted of our parents and a few close friends.

As the weeks went by, I started getting used to the idea of being a Mommy.  In fact, I was so excited that it was really hard to keep my mouth shut about being pregnant.  It was especially hard since I was also on my way to Market in St. Charles.  I couldn't wait to tell one of my greatest friends, Sharon Crescent, that she was going to be an "Auntie"!  Amazingly enough I went through all of market and kept my secret pretty low key, which was hard to do when all I really wanted to do was puke my guts out!  Another hard thing was seeing all of the baby patterns.....I wanted to tell all of the designers that they were for me and that I wanted to go home and stitch all of them!  And, I also had my hot little hands on that beautiful baby sampler from Chessie & Me that I couldn't wait to start as soon as I got home.  I was going to drag out all my silks and fabrics and have that bad boy (or girl) done up in no time.  At least that was the plan......  But, with all the excitement from market and with all my hormones raging, I had tuckered myself out upon arriving home.  It took me a few days to recoup and I was still too tired and too nauseous to stitch.

Fast forward to October 6th, the day of the first ultrasound.  Hubby and I were excited beyond words.  Based on the calculation from the first day of my last period, I should have been about 7 weeks along.  That would have put my EDD (expected due date) on May 25, 2011.  May 25th is a very special day.....our wedding day!  Now, wouldn't that be a wonderful anniversary gift?  A baby!

We entered the ultrasound room together not knowing what to expect.  I had never seen or done anything like this before, so when they showed the pictures on the screen I really didn't know what I was looking at.  To me it looked like a bunch of static.  I kept seeing this almost oval type shape and when the tech put measurements on it she notated "7 wks".  After the internal ultrasound was over, she told us that she didn't see anything inside the sac and that the doctor would talk to us further.

What? What do you mean you see "nothing"? I was scared out of my wits!


We went in to see the doctor. I felt like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car and I couldn't move out of the way. My doctor was very kind. He was also very thorough. He explained everything and all I could do was stare at him and shake my head up and down when he would ask me things like "Are you taking prenatal vitamins?" and "Are you experiencing morning sickness?". What was going on didn't sink in. All I knew was that one minute I was going to be a mom and the next minute I wasn't. We made arrangements for a second ultrasound the following Wednesday and for a D&C on Thursday. It wasn't until the nurse took my blood for some tests that I started to cry. How was I going to tell my family that their grandchild was gone?

Later that evening I went to see my parents to tell them the bad news. I had what is called a blighted ovium. (It is also called a anembryonic pregnancy and is also sometimes known as a "missed miscarriage".) That basically means that the fertilized egg attached itself to the uterus and cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but the embryo does not develop as it should. Typically, this is due to chromosomal abnormalities. Most women never even realize this because they end up having their period a few weeks late. Their bodies realize the problem and they "miscarry" on their own with a normal(ish), but late period. Unfortunately, this was not the case for me. I was 7 weeks along and my body had yet to realize that there was no baby in the sac.

This is a blighted ovium at 7 weeks. 

 It is not mine, but it is similar to what I saw on the monitor in the doctor's office. 

 I found this image at emedicine.medscape.com.

Needless to say, there was a ton of crying that night and the next day.  I was a basket case!  I had done everything right.......we had already been through so much during the past year......how could this have happened to us?  It hurt so much to think about all the changes that had already been happening to me and my body.  How fair was it to go through all of this for nothing?  Maybe, just maybe the doctor was wrong.  Maybe my baby was just hiding and they couldn't see it on the ultrasound.  It had happened to others before me.  People do make mistakes after all!

A week later it was confirmed with the second internal ultrasound.  No fetal pole in the 8 week sac.  The D&C went through as planned on the 14th of this month.  Did you know that they called the reason for the procedure a "missed abortion"?  Really?  "Abortion" was such a horrible and distasteful word to see in black and white on those hospital papers.  I think it was the worse day of my life. (No, it was the second worse......the worse was the day I found out that our baby was gone.)  I felt so helpless..........and babyless!  Again with the "why me?".

As the days have gone by I have gotten stronger.  My family and Hubby's family have both been our greatest supporters.  My best friend in the whole world has been visiting me to make sure I'm okay.  I've had calls and emails from my closest friends checking to make sure I'm okay.  (And yes ladies, I will see you sometime this Saturday for our stitch time as long as my current condition doesn't prevent me from attending.  I'm now dealing with a UTI to top everything off!)  Even my husband has really come through for me and has been the rock that, for once, I couldn't be.  I've cried in his arms and on his shoulder.  He has made me laugh through my tears.  He has grieved with me and allowed me the time to grieve on my own.  He has also reminded me (with a sly little smile and a sparkle in his eye), that "trying is half the fun".

So, yes, my dear blogging friends, we will be trying again as soon as the doctor gives the go ahead. Even though I'm considered "high risk" due to my age, the doctor gave us a good prognosis.  He said that because my body held onto the pregnancy even though there was no longer a baby, it meant that my body was strong and healthy.  That, and the fact that we became pregnant so quickly are encouraging signs.  (Hubby was allowed to throw away the "umbrella" on July 15th and we were pregnant just over a month later.)

Now, don't get me wrong, I still have my sad days. It is so hard to see a pregnant woman or a newly born baby. What is even harder is that a dear stitching friend's daughter is 12 weeks pregnant. Things like that really makes it feels like a slap in the face. How is it that the daughter is so lucky and I am, well.....not? These are the days that I still want to go crawl in a hole and cry my eyes out.  (I know it is not anyone's fault and I do sincerely hope that she has a very healthy and happy baby.) 

Willow Tree's "Remembrance"
Picture from clevershoppers.com

Over the weekend I went into a Hallmark store to pick up a card for Hubby's birthday.  On impulse, I walked over to the aisle where they have all the Willow Tree figurines.  I love looking at them and I even have one of a couple dancing that was given to Hubby and I the night before our wedding day by his mother.  I don't typically buy myself figurines, but then I saw "Remembrance" and I knew that I had to have it to honor the soul that God decided he needed more than we did.  I bought it, brought it home and set it beside the dancing couple.

In my grief and recovery, I have decided to do what I do best.  I'm starting another stitching project. After all, I am a serial starter.  However, this one will have a very special meaning.  I decided to stitch a memory/memorial sampler in honor of our angel.  I have chosen an older Blackbird Designs/Loose Feathers pattern.The pattern was in my mind when I made my decision to stitch for our angel and when I pulled it out of my stash, I knew this was the one that had to be done.  The modification has been charted, the fabric has been chosen and the floss has been converted to Belle Soie for this special project.  I have been spending every spare moment that I have stitching on this and I won't stop until it is finished.  I've already frogged once due to color changes and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have to frog again for more.  Still, I'm determined to keep stitching.  Just as I am determined to continue on.....

I just want you to know, I didn't write this to garner any sympathy.  In fact, I don't want or need sympathy.  I'm strong and I will survive.  My husband is strong and he will survive.  Together we will contiue and try again.  I wrote this more for myself, to help me grieve.  This is a terrible thing that has happened to us.  But, we will make it through.  Still, if there is someone out there somewhere who is also going through or has been through this, maybe, just maybe they can pull a little bit of strength from me so that they can also grieve and recover.

If you have made it this far, thanks for sticking by me.  I hope to share my memory/memorial sampler finish with you soon.